hi sunshine! my name is brooke and first things first, i love you.
okay just needed to get that out of the way in case you quickly decided to stop reading. i am SO BEYOND EXCITED to finally see you on the reputation tour! my first show is metlife night 3 with @sayinitsgonnabealright and @redlipclassic and then i’ll be at all 3 nights of gillette with my best friend @gettingsweptaways! it’s been almost 3 years since i’ve seen you on the 1989 tour and i can’t wait for my heart to feel a little more whole while standing in a stadium with you and thousands of other people singing at the top of my lungs.
i swear i’ve been trying to think of what to say to you in one of these tour post situations for weeks and weeks. i’ve struggled with feeling like nothing i had to tell you was really worth telling. my dashboard is constantly filled with posts from pretty and charming people with amazing handmade costumes, exciting life events to fill you in on, adorable significant others to show off…and i’m just kind of…here lol. yet there’s a small part of me that still feels like i need to throw something out into the void to let you know that i’ll be one of thousands of faces in a crowd in a specific area on a specific date. i’ve also tried to refrain because i’m not very good at being quick and to the point. i tend to get wordy and overshare but here we go anyway.
i’ve been dealing with chronic illness since i was 9. i was forced to quickly do a lot of growing up because of the severity of my first diagnosis - a blood disorder called ITP - didn’t allow for me to be wild and reckless like a lot of kids typically are. i was pulled off of all my sports teams and could no longer participate in activities i loved like tubing on my grandma’s lake or going sledding with my friends. my doctors didn’t even want me to ride my bike (but i did anyway \m/). i became angry at the world and the fact that i was no longer “normal”. that’s when i first turned to music. when school started a few months later, i joined chorus and started playing the violin which led to cello. it was something that made me feel a little less broken.
the hardest diagnosis has been the most recent one: lupus. it’s one that was gradual and yet at the same time completely slammed me. a lot of people aren’t really familiar with it but i feel like you are because selena gomez also has it (her openness with her struggle and advocacy has meant the world btw). i was 15 when i was declared to be in remission for ITP. i was obviously relieved, but the fact that i was feeling worse than i had in years made it hard to be excited. it felt like i was never going to catch a break. i was incredibly exhausted all the time, my bones hurt and i would often get sick and have fevers. the doctors diagnosed me with JIA - juvenile idiopathic arthritis. that’s also when the possibility of me having lupus was first brought up. i was just trying to make it through high school like i’m sure everyone else around me was except i felt like i had the entire universe working against me. being so sick and not having many answers or a suitable treatment plan caused my anxiety and depression to sky rocket and i missed an insane amount of school (i’m talking like 64 full days my senior year - its a miracle that i graduated). it took 3 years for me to officially be diagnosed with lupus.
it was during that dark and scary time that i started playing guitar and writing songs. you, of course, were the main inspiration for that. i’ve listened to your music since i was 12; my love and dedication for you increasing with each passing year. i had seen interview after interview where you’d say something about how songwriting was an outlet for you and i think i was desperate for just something, anything to help me feel better. i already loved music and singing and often wrote poetry that resembled lyrics anyway so i felt inspired to give it a go. i got a guitar for christmas when i was 16 and i think that really was my saving grace. it gave me something to do, something to focus on and it was something that i could control my progress and outcome. it took a few months for the connection of chords and strumming patterns and lyrics to click but when it did it was magic. it was so magical that a few years later i applied to belmont in nashville to pursue songwriting and music business and got in! the catch is that the official lupus diagnosis came around the same time as my acceptance letter and moving across the country by myself with an unpredictable illness just wasn’t the right call for me to make. i think i gave up a little after that. i mean i was still writing, singing and playing, but the fire for me to turn it into something had dulled. it just didn’t seem like anything good was possible for me. i still catch myself wondering what would have become of my life had i been able to follow that dream.
the thing about chronic illnesses is that they’re wildly isolating. its hard for people to understand what it’s like and because of that i’ve had a lot of people just…kind of leave. when you’re often having to skip out on plans because you don’t feel well, people stop inviting you to things. when you take 2 days to respond to a text because you’ve been sleeping for 17 hours straight, people stop talking to you. i honestly don’t blame them - i know it’s not easy to be my friend. but even when everyone else has gone, you’re still there. from everything from hospital stays, blood transfusions and chemo shots to silly crushes and just needing a good dance party alone in my room, i’ve had you.
i just turned 23 so i’ve spent a whole decade with you by my side. you’ve always been there and i am so inexplicably thankful for you and your presence in my life. i truly can’t imagine it any other way. i’ve watched you grow up gracefully while remaining kind and humble. you’re poised, intelligent and respectful without being uptight or unapproachable. if i could turn out to be even a small fraction of the woman that you are today, i think i’ll be okay in life.
i still haven’t had the chance to hug you yet but it would mean the entire world to be able to thank you in person for everything you’ve done and for everything that you are. i adore you endlessly and hope you know that i’ll always be rooting for you.
i know this has been a novel filled with pretty much nothing but emotional word vomit so i commend you for making it this far.
don’t read the last page, but i stay.
see you SO soon!
love always,
brooke
metlife night 3 7/22 - section 10 row 5 seats 20-23
gillette night 1 7/26 - section 141 row 33 seats 19 & 20
gillette night 2 7/27 - section 135 row 13 seats 1 & 2
gillette night 3 7/28 - section 304 row 4 seats 13-15
@taylorswift this human is truly a breath of fresh air and you have been there for her without even knowing it. Her dedication and passion is something you don’t see often. We aren’t close, she doesn’t even know I am doing this, but I know how much you mean to her - and I know she deserves all of the happiness in this sometimes unforgiving world.
HELLO TUMBLR.COM, HELLO TAYLOR SWIFT! i just want to tell you all about my friend haley!!!!
i met haley (@kissinbarsyoufool) on tumblr in 2011 and she is one of the funniest, kindest, BEST people i have ever met. i feel so lucky to know her. she makes me laugh harder than anybody and she’s funny in a way that never makes other people feel bad. i’ve been having a hard time for the last few months and haley constantly goes out of her way to message me and make sure i’m okay, even though she’s gone through way more than i have. she lost her beautiful mom to cancer in august of this year and even tho she has been unbelievably brave (#fearless, if you will) about it, her mom is her best friend so it’s been hard
haley’s mom was also a huge taylor fan and she was the first person halely would tell whenever taylor did something so even tho she’s been shitting bricks over reputation like the rest of us, the album release has understandably been bittersweet for her and she hasn’t been able to come on tumblr to celebrate as much as she normally would
SoOOooOO taylor, if you’re reading this, i just want you to know that you have helped haley so much over the last 2 months (and the last 10 years before that) and i know you would love her as much as i do. i hope you guys get to hug soon because u both deserve it and i just thought you’d want to know that she exists
love you endlessly 💞💕
honeslty I don’t think Taylor understands how much control and power she has over me like Taylor nation could send me a message telling me to be at a dark ally behind Denny’s at 1:13am in the middle of bumwho Kentucky and I’d be out of here so fast y’all wouldn’t even get the chance to say bye
@taylorswift my mom recently passed away and she was the first person i would run to and tell whenever you did something new so i’m talking to her now telling her all about your song i know she’s jamming in heaven also i LOVE YOU
i haven’t been on tumblr in 6 months .. but i’m back to tell you all that i am not at all emotionally prepared for reputation
